I am not feeling better. Three months ago I wrote about how I had never felt better. Now that I don’t feel that way, on top of feeling awful, I feel deep shame that I don’t feel good. Every day, I am asked, by someone, if I am doing better. I try to give a positive response. No one wants to be the person who drops the “I’m still critically depressed, and the fact that I am out of bed right now is a small miracle” instead of saying, “I’m getting better!” or “today is better than yesterday!” or something else vaguely positive. But, the truth is, I am not doing better.
The days are a blur. I am trying to be productive at work, but I am failing. I am trying to contribute at home - I am failing there too. I can recognize the efforts I am making, and see the failures, but I feel helpless to address the problems.
I'm still getting two ECT treatments a week. I go in for treatment nine on Wednesday. And I've upped my therapy sessions to two per week. I don't know what to do; I don't know what else I can do. I am getting help and it doesn't seem to be helping. I am frustrated and I feel like I am letting down everyone in my life.