Motivated by Guilt

On Wednesday mornings, I see my therapist, Mary. This morning we discussed guilt - the guilt I feel about how I feel like I am shit at everything. I am trying to set up OT-101 training for our IWW branch, I want to eat healthier, I want to keep the house clean, and I am trying to do my job well.

To me, these goals seem like they should be attainable. But somedays they seem impossible. I check Twitter, then Reddit, then Feedly, and then back to Twitter. Twitter hasn't changed because I don't follow many people (an attempt to reduce my consumption) and there is nothing new in the news. So, I just stare blankly at the screen.

"Just do the thing!" my brain screams. My arms refuse to move as if stuck to the table.

Yesterday, at work, I had a very simple ticket. Probably two-hours worth of work. In my head, I knew the solution. All I needed to do was to put it in my terminal. I finally mustered the energy to finish the work at 7 PM.

Also, yesterday, I knew I needed to eat. I planned out easy meals for when Clare was away. Instead, I ate the entire loaf of bread that I baked on Monday, half for lunch, half for dinner.

The overwhelming feeling that comes from these failures is guilt.  Mary encourages me not to judge them as "failures." Instead, they just are. Finding difficulty doing basic tasks is just where I am at the moment, and that is okay.

I am NOT okay with it.

I scheduled another therapy session for tomorrow.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash